Both my husband and I come from families of divorce. For me, it was not only my parents, but my brother and aunts and uncles as well. I entered my marriage with Eric at the young age of 22 determined to break the pattern, telling myself that love was enough, quoting Drake to say things like "I bet if I give all my love then nothing's gonna tear us apart" - because who can argue with that? I thought things would never become dull or stale, because there would always be the next thing; a vacation to plan, a house to buy, more kids to have, holidays and dinner parties to look forward to. Looking back, I can see why our families and friends had their concerns with our young marriage and our naive outlook. All I could think was I can't wait to prove everyone wrong.
The biggest mistake I ever made in our marriage was putting our children before my husband. I know most will believe that the kids should always come first, and here's where my family's history of divorce got in the way. My mindset would quickly turn to children are forever, marriage is temporary with any argument, disagreement, or conflict. Instead of diving into the issue hand in hand with my husband and battling through as a team, I'd flip a switch that gave all of my time and energy to our daughters. I figured my efforts were most preciously spent with them, because no matter what, I'd always be their mother, I may not always be someone's wife. This turned out to be the beginning of a long downfall for Eric and me.
Our lack of problem solving lead to a marriage that lacked communication. Before I knew it, all of my eggs were in the kid-basket, leaving my husband with time to fill, which he did by working over time and going to the gym. We were barely seeing each other, leaving me feeling alone in the parenting world and him alone in our marriage. Any attempts at communicating would lead to explosive arguments filled with months (even years) of pent up grudges. Attempt after attempt of sharing our needs, reworking our schedules, and C O M M U N I C A T I N G were never long lasting because we were both so stubborn, so defensive, and only able to see our own side/needs/wants. This is where I really thought we were heading for divorce, which made it easy to think that the grass was greener on the other side...
This really threw us into fight or flight mode when it came to our marriage. Were the things we needed from each other attainable, or were we asking too much of one another? Could we tweak this and work out that and still be true to ourselves, or would it change us? We had a lot of soul searching to do to figure it all out, but it the end it came down to one big change from me: I had to put him first.
The moment I focused on our marriage over our kids, everything improved. Eric was getting the attention he needed (and deserved), and therefore was a more patient father and loving husband. Our kids were happier with happier parents; even happier then when I was giving them my full, undivided attention. Slowly but surely, the efforts were restored, and, through the help of our amazing therapist, our communication improved, guards came down, defenses were shut off, and for the first time we were really able to just hear each other. To quote another song, "the house don't fall when the bones are good", and now we have a foundation that I'm proud to have as an example for our girls. Having them grow up to witness a strong marriage that, yes, takes effort every single day, but that is so filled with love, touch, emotion, and thoughtfulness fills me with hope that we will continue to break the divorce cycle in our family and that they just may too.
