Let's be real...marriage is WORK. Nearly 10 years into what we hope to be a lifetime is just the tip of the iceberg in the "work" department of our love story. And though things will never be perfect, I am thankful for how we've perfected our marriage to work for us - not a fictional romance, not with the comparison of others in mind, just those simple day to day things that simply work. Because in reality, we've learned that's all there is to it.
I'll never forget when we started therapy together. I told our therapist that the things I had to "complain" about were so minuscule: wanting help with chores, wanting a thoughtful foot rub, wanting him to be more present...and, I'd address them less often than more, simply because I didn't want to be "that wife" who nagged. It wasn't until our therapist helped me realize that those things weren't minor at all, they were the thread and needle to our marriage quilt; it's exactly those little things that add up to give you a solid relationship - and a metaphorically cozy blanket.
My most memorable relationship quotes come from two of my favorite chick-flick movies. The first comes from The Break Up, when Jennifer Aniston's character explains to her boyfriend that she wants him to WANT to do the dishes. Naturally he thinks she's crazy because, come on, who wants to do dishes? But throughout the ups and downs of their breakup throughout the film, he realizes that he does in fact want to do the dishes - not for himself, but for her. By doing those damn dishes, it shows her that he's being thoughtful, helpful, and going out of his way to do something unpleasant simply because it helps her out. In our house, it's the bed. When I see that our bed is made, it makes me smile each and every time; he took a few extra minutes out of his morning to do something he doesn't give two shits about (we crawl back in at night, what's the point?) - just because I like my sheets tight and I think my throw pillows are darn cute. I get this same lovey-feeling when I discover the dishwasher is empty, when he surprises me with a favorite dessert, when he bails on a work out to hang in - individually these seem like such small things, but it IS these small things that set the tone for our attitudes toward each other. It creates a mutual respect, and a desire to continue the thoughtfulness.
The next quote comes from Sex And The City, where friends are discussing how often they feel happy in their marriages. Character Charlotte says "every day" to which her friends roll their eyes - but she follows it up with "not all day every day, but every day". I've always found that so profound but also so important. There are going to be bad moments; arguments, disagreements, frustrations - and often, this quote has stopped me from going off the deep end into a downward spiral of "I'm unhappy. This isn't working. Here we go again." I can take the moment for what it is: unpleasant, challenging, upsetting - and know that it'll get worked through. That it doesn't need to ruin the whole day. That it doesn't undo all the good.
But man, it's taken some WORK and some TIME to get to a point where we want to do those dishes, where we find happiness in every day - not every moment. It's taken a decade of growth, vulnerability, good times, bad times - and I guess my whole point in writing this is just out of gratefulness. I'm glad we didn't give up when we were faced with those hard times, I'm glad I married someone who is so willing to fight and that I found that fight within myself. I know how it feels to post a family photo on social media and know the fakeness behind it. I know how it feels to look at others with envy, or to believe that my marriage should mirror this fictional Lifetime love story. I'm so fortunate to have been able to move past fiction and comparison and create our own unique story. I love that we support each other whether we are on a juice cleanse or decided it was a brilliant night for tequila shots.
So thank you, doll, for all the "flowers" - the bed making, the dishes, the foot rubs, the oatmeal cream pies. You make me feel all the feels.
