Disordered eating. It's different from the more widely known 'eating disorders' simply because it doesn't warrant that specific diagnosis, but similar in the fact that it involves abnormal eating behaviors. Wikipedia describes disordered eating as having common features of eating disorders such as chronic restrained eating, compulsive eating, and binge eating with loss of control. Those behaviors that are not characteristic of any eating disorder are listed as chaotic eating patterns, ignoring physical feelings of hunger or fullness, emotional eating and night eating. When I read these things, all I could think was "me, me, me".
If you know me at all, or just simply follow me on social media, you know I love food, all in which are crazy health foods. How, you might wonder, could someone who eats so healthy have an unhealthy relationship with food? This even strikes my husband as strange. I've come so far from the teenager who skipped meals after indulging, or from the new mother who went calorie-counting-crazy. And yet, when I dive into that kids-are-in-bed snack of too many almonds, I still hoard the guilt I used to have in those previous, less healthy times. My husband sees a healthy snack that I had in large quantity, and I see a lack of self control. Sometimes, I feel frustrated knowing that I've been working on my relationship with food for over a decade, and then I am brought back to neutral by remembering how far I have come, and that there is always, always room for more change. Here, I am going to share things I have done that I found helpful, not only to remind myself, but in hopes that it can help anyone else experiencing a similar struggle.
"Your body is the only place you have to live" - this little popular saying has become a little mantra of mine when it comes to eating. It reminds me that it's no one's job but my own to take care of myself, and one of the biggest ways to do so is to fuel it well. In order to do this, I ask lots of questions, starting with a very simple "what am I in the mood for?" at meal times. I've learned the hard way that if I am in the mood for something sweet, and instead choose a salad because it's the "healthier" choice, I will be left unsatisfied when my plate is cleared. This typically results in a large homemade chocolate, handful of nuts, or several minutes in front of the fridge or cabinet mindlessly munching. I believe that your body craves what it needs, and so I've learned to listen to it closely. Now, that doesn't mean having a candy bar for lunch because my sweet tooth is calling, but rather choosing a fruit smoothie and granola bar, or making my famous sweet potato meal with chicken and cinnamon. The sweetness fills my craving and I'm able to feel satisfied and done when the meal is gone.
Another question I need to ask myself is "what did I do for exercise today?" - this isn't to justify huge portions or extra snacks, but simply to tune into what my body may be needing based on that day's activity. For instance, if I went to the gym and lifted heavy, I'm sure to base my meal around protein. If I went for a long run, I'm sure to include a complex carb with protein to refuel and recover. I've found that being aware in this way prevents me from experiencing bouts of extreme hunger later. Breakfast is almost always my biggest meal of the day; partially because I have just worked out and need to fuel up, and also because it jump starts your metabolism for the rest of the day's digestion. I'm also sure to include a "good fat" with every meal, because I have found that, included with protein, it's what really factors into that full-feeling between meals. I have at least half an avocado, olive oil, and coconut oil daily. Luckily, I'm long past the "fat makes you fat" nonsense. Eat fat, people.
Now, an important and recent thing I've had to do is hold myself accountable for "trigger foods". Everyone seems to have that one thing that they will binge on; for my dad, it's Cape Cod potato chips. I'll always remember him making my school lunch early in the morning, and on the counter would be a little pile of chips next to the bag he packed me, because even though it was 6:30am, he couldn't help himself. For me, it's nuts. I don't know what it is about them, but they are my potato chip: I can't just have one (handful). Not only would I add them to foods throughout the day (walnuts in my oatmeal, almonds in my yogurt, cashews in my ginger stir-fries), but it was my go-to snack at night when I need a little (lotta) somethin'. Most people would say a handful of almonds before bed isn't the worst, but for me, it was. A handful was never enough, and so I always went back for more. Same with nut-butters; I'd start by spreading some on a rice cake, and, being left with a need for more, I'd reach for apple slices and celery to spread it on. Sure, healthy choices, but half a jar of sun-butter later, I wasn't feeling so healthy. It's really the one thing I felt had a hold of me, that I had no self control over. Over the last 3 years I've given up dairy, wheat, soy, sugar, anything processed or with more than a handful of ingredients - but I refused to give up nuts because "they're healthy". What I never was willing to look at was my relationship with them, which was extremely unhealthy. Shit, I'm constantly telling my husband how I don't need him but want him - how could I feel I needed nuts in my life this much?! Just this past week, I broke up with them in their singular form; ie. raw nuts and nut butters. This is something I should have done long ago, but never wanted to feel like I had to give up something I really just loved. But I came to realize that, delicious or not, healthy or not, it was a trigger food for me. And, if I wanted to fuel my body well, binging on nuts was never going to make me feel good. This past week while grocery shopping, I had a stare-down with my beloved sun-butter, then kept walking.
Since I've been doing the "foodie-thing" for nearly 4 years now, I have a good grasp on healthy meals, portion sizes that work for me, and a well balanced plate. My downfall has always been snacks. Again, not necessarily what the snack is, but how much, and whether or not I even needed it or if I was eating out of habit. And so, another question I learned to ask was "am I actually hungry?" If I had dinner at 5:00 and it's 8:00 with a long run planned in the morning, yeah, I could use a snack. However, my struggle came when dinner was served at 7:00 and I damn well know I didn't need more food at 8:00 but the kids are in bed and this is our snack time. Even now as I write this, I have chia pudding setting in the fridge, I had a late dinner after work, and realistically, I am not hungry. But there is something about the habit of a late night snack that makes the thought of not having one almost panicked. This is still a work in progress for me, but tuning into "okay Lauren, are you actually hungry?" holds me accountable for my own body and needs. What's funny is the fact that I eat healthy actually often causes me to eat when I may not necessarily be hungry, simply because it's healthy. Like that chia pudding setting in the fridge; it's chia seeds, flax seeds, raw cacoa powder, organic maple syrup and cashew milk. It's literally harmless and boasts so many health benefits that often I will eat it whether I'm hungry or not, compared to the knowledge of ice cream in the freezer and opting out of it because it's not healthy.
Despite the fact that there is always room for improvement, I am proud for coming as far as I have. In years prior, I would plan a food restraint and excessive work out after a night of overeating, where as now I acknowledge it as a night I enjoyed myself, and embrace the new day and the choices I've yet to make. So as I say goodbye to nuts in our house, I can feel good about being honest about a weakness and the willingness to move forward. Our bodies are the only place we have to live, after all.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Happiness Project Inspiration
So far, The Happiness Project may be my favorite book about discovering happiness. Other books I have read have been wonderful, but also had this weird way of making me feel bad for wanting to do things like clean the house - because I should be learning to let that go and use my time more creatively, right? Well, this book has been the first to acknowledge that it's okay to want to do those things because it feels good to scratch things off you're to-do list, and with that, comes a sense of completion, relief, and even happiness. Even though I may not take a specific year to map out guidelines for each month with sub-sections to work on in order to have my own concrete "happiness project", it has inspired me to challenge myself and my routine in new ways that will ultimately add to the happiness I've already worked to hard to have. Here, I'll list a few simple things that the book has, so far, inspired me to do.
Make a to-do list. For me, this was less about chores and more about things I have been meaning to or wanting to get to.
I started with writing letters to the girls; it's something I've always wanted to start doing, and here is Lyla who turns 7 this summer and I've yet to write one letter! I want to write about their lives, maybe once or more a year, so that they can have them to read and to share when they get older. So, instead of reading with my morning coffee or my nighttime wine, I started the letters. I wrote all about them; their age, their friends, their silly stories, favorite foods, things I love to do with them, hobbies and quirks that make them uniquely them. It was fun to write because it was so easy to write about, and I loved doing it knowing that they may not see these letters until they are adults. It felt good to get the first one for each of them done, and now that I've started, I know I will be more apt to write down a funny saying or something worth remembering so we can always keep those memories.
Then I moved to an organization project: saving the girls' artwork and school projects. Lyla has a decorated pizza box under her bed where she stashes all her paper keepsakes, and I have an old hat box under there, too, for all the ones that Mommy wanted to keep. But they are both overflowing and serving little protection for these little masterpieces, so I finally made a point to get to the craft store and pick up big art portfolio storage cases. I've yet to weed through the mess that is under that bed, but still, it feels good to at least have them here, ready to be organized.
Other little things were simple, but had just been pushed to the back burner and had this nagging habit of reminding me at a time when I couldn't do anything about it - like being reminded to clean the hamsters cage when we see the hamster food at Walmart, but forgetting once we're home, or remembering to pay a bill that keeps getting pushed off. Anything that I found myself saying "shoot, I need to remember to do that!", I would start writing in the "notes" section of my phone and move it to the top of my to-do list when I had time.
Positive parenting changes.
There is no perfect parent, we all know that. But it's the one area that can always be tweaked and improved, so I decided to dig a little deeper into things I wish I did differently, more often, or even less, and put the effort in accordingly.
I started with bedtime. When Lyla was little, this was always a really sweet time; we would read her several stories, take turns swaying and singing to her, and then tuck her in tight. Once Hannah came along, this wonderful ritual slowly went away once our nights became less about a cute bedtime and more about getting a screaming baby and two exhausted parents to sleep. And even now that they are older, bedtime has become a boring routine of the girls getting themselves ready and a quick kiss goodnight from us. They may not need to be rocked to sleep with a lullaby anymore, but I wanted to start involving myself in their bedtime routine again, so I started simply with that. "Make bedtime more fun" I told myself. Instead of ordering them to go brush up, I joined them. I sat there and helped them floss as we discussed plans for the following day, took time to clean their ears and go over their teeth once they brushed. These changes are small but mean so much. It's much more pleasant to be in there helping them rather than barking orders from the couch or kitchen, then getting annoyed when there was more goofing off than teeth-brushing going on. When I'm in there with them, it get's done faster, and I get those few extra minutes to look at those adorable faces before bed: win-win. Another thing that stopped was bedtime reading - mostly because Lyla has been so into chapter books and wants to read them herself, and as monkey-see-monkey-do will have it, Hannah wanted to read in bed like her big sister - by herself. So, I would kiss them goodnight as they settled down with their own books, but then felt guilty about not spending more of bedtime with them. One night after brushing and flossing I said "okay Hannah, go pick out a book and meet me on Lyla's bed" - that 5 minutes of Little Red Riding Hood all cuddled up on Lyla's bed was adorable, and made me feel good about taking steps to getting our "cute bedtime" back.
Then I moved to compassion an acknowledgement. We are creatures of habit, and once Pandora's box is opened, it's easy to make a one-time-thing the norm; reacting a certain way to the girls' behavior, playing the blame game, or telling them how they feel. I wanted to change how I handled some situations and so I had to reroute my thinking.
First, I want my kiddos to know that accidents happen, and that they are okay. Too often I find myself getting frustrated when Hannah drops her water cup or when Lyla loses something. I had to start with my reaction to these accidents, because this was the first step of showing them it's okay. I hate seeing their little faces after they do something "wrong" while wondering if they're going to be in trouble. And my giant, frustrated sighs or firm tone wasn't helping. So, a deep breath for Mommy followed by "accidents happen!" has been my focus. Next, I had to turn off the "well, if you didn't ________, that wouldn't have happened!" Sure, if they weren't being silly at lunch time, Lyla wouldn't have knocked over her milk, but instead of blaming them, I've chosen to simply make it their responsibility for the mess. "Oh well, better grab a paper towel". It's not easy as I watch milk cascade down the counter top, onto the stool and into the lap of my fashion-loving Lyla who is now upset about a forced outfit change, but it does make me feel better which comes full circle when I can see the relief on her face from not being scolded or blamed.
Next, I wanted to zone in more on their feelings and really make a point to acknowledge them. I can't tell you how terrible if feels to have fallen into the "well that's too bad" parenting approach. And, unfortunately, more times than not, it's where I've found myself. Why couldn't I take an extra 15 seconds to explain why Hannah couldn't wear flip flops to school when it was snowing? Or explain to Lyla that after a huge dinner and good size snack that she doesn't need to eat something else before bed? It takes practically no time at all, and everyone walks away feeling better with simple reasoning and understanding.
These extra strides towards happiness may seem simple, but they make a huge difference. I feel good prioritizing my to-do list and accomplished when I can scratch things off of it. I feel better as a parent when I make the extra effort here and there. Simple but powerful.
Basically, this book rocks. Read it.
Make a to-do list. For me, this was less about chores and more about things I have been meaning to or wanting to get to.
I started with writing letters to the girls; it's something I've always wanted to start doing, and here is Lyla who turns 7 this summer and I've yet to write one letter! I want to write about their lives, maybe once or more a year, so that they can have them to read and to share when they get older. So, instead of reading with my morning coffee or my nighttime wine, I started the letters. I wrote all about them; their age, their friends, their silly stories, favorite foods, things I love to do with them, hobbies and quirks that make them uniquely them. It was fun to write because it was so easy to write about, and I loved doing it knowing that they may not see these letters until they are adults. It felt good to get the first one for each of them done, and now that I've started, I know I will be more apt to write down a funny saying or something worth remembering so we can always keep those memories.
Then I moved to an organization project: saving the girls' artwork and school projects. Lyla has a decorated pizza box under her bed where she stashes all her paper keepsakes, and I have an old hat box under there, too, for all the ones that Mommy wanted to keep. But they are both overflowing and serving little protection for these little masterpieces, so I finally made a point to get to the craft store and pick up big art portfolio storage cases. I've yet to weed through the mess that is under that bed, but still, it feels good to at least have them here, ready to be organized.
Other little things were simple, but had just been pushed to the back burner and had this nagging habit of reminding me at a time when I couldn't do anything about it - like being reminded to clean the hamsters cage when we see the hamster food at Walmart, but forgetting once we're home, or remembering to pay a bill that keeps getting pushed off. Anything that I found myself saying "shoot, I need to remember to do that!", I would start writing in the "notes" section of my phone and move it to the top of my to-do list when I had time.
Positive parenting changes.
There is no perfect parent, we all know that. But it's the one area that can always be tweaked and improved, so I decided to dig a little deeper into things I wish I did differently, more often, or even less, and put the effort in accordingly.
I started with bedtime. When Lyla was little, this was always a really sweet time; we would read her several stories, take turns swaying and singing to her, and then tuck her in tight. Once Hannah came along, this wonderful ritual slowly went away once our nights became less about a cute bedtime and more about getting a screaming baby and two exhausted parents to sleep. And even now that they are older, bedtime has become a boring routine of the girls getting themselves ready and a quick kiss goodnight from us. They may not need to be rocked to sleep with a lullaby anymore, but I wanted to start involving myself in their bedtime routine again, so I started simply with that. "Make bedtime more fun" I told myself. Instead of ordering them to go brush up, I joined them. I sat there and helped them floss as we discussed plans for the following day, took time to clean their ears and go over their teeth once they brushed. These changes are small but mean so much. It's much more pleasant to be in there helping them rather than barking orders from the couch or kitchen, then getting annoyed when there was more goofing off than teeth-brushing going on. When I'm in there with them, it get's done faster, and I get those few extra minutes to look at those adorable faces before bed: win-win. Another thing that stopped was bedtime reading - mostly because Lyla has been so into chapter books and wants to read them herself, and as monkey-see-monkey-do will have it, Hannah wanted to read in bed like her big sister - by herself. So, I would kiss them goodnight as they settled down with their own books, but then felt guilty about not spending more of bedtime with them. One night after brushing and flossing I said "okay Hannah, go pick out a book and meet me on Lyla's bed" - that 5 minutes of Little Red Riding Hood all cuddled up on Lyla's bed was adorable, and made me feel good about taking steps to getting our "cute bedtime" back.
Then I moved to compassion an acknowledgement. We are creatures of habit, and once Pandora's box is opened, it's easy to make a one-time-thing the norm; reacting a certain way to the girls' behavior, playing the blame game, or telling them how they feel. I wanted to change how I handled some situations and so I had to reroute my thinking.
First, I want my kiddos to know that accidents happen, and that they are okay. Too often I find myself getting frustrated when Hannah drops her water cup or when Lyla loses something. I had to start with my reaction to these accidents, because this was the first step of showing them it's okay. I hate seeing their little faces after they do something "wrong" while wondering if they're going to be in trouble. And my giant, frustrated sighs or firm tone wasn't helping. So, a deep breath for Mommy followed by "accidents happen!" has been my focus. Next, I had to turn off the "well, if you didn't ________, that wouldn't have happened!" Sure, if they weren't being silly at lunch time, Lyla wouldn't have knocked over her milk, but instead of blaming them, I've chosen to simply make it their responsibility for the mess. "Oh well, better grab a paper towel". It's not easy as I watch milk cascade down the counter top, onto the stool and into the lap of my fashion-loving Lyla who is now upset about a forced outfit change, but it does make me feel better which comes full circle when I can see the relief on her face from not being scolded or blamed.
Next, I wanted to zone in more on their feelings and really make a point to acknowledge them. I can't tell you how terrible if feels to have fallen into the "well that's too bad" parenting approach. And, unfortunately, more times than not, it's where I've found myself. Why couldn't I take an extra 15 seconds to explain why Hannah couldn't wear flip flops to school when it was snowing? Or explain to Lyla that after a huge dinner and good size snack that she doesn't need to eat something else before bed? It takes practically no time at all, and everyone walks away feeling better with simple reasoning and understanding.
These extra strides towards happiness may seem simple, but they make a huge difference. I feel good prioritizing my to-do list and accomplished when I can scratch things off of it. I feel better as a parent when I make the extra effort here and there. Simple but powerful.
Basically, this book rocks. Read it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Wellness Coaching
As of September, I will have worked where I am for two years. Over this time I have had the privilege of meeting and working on many amazing clients, getting to know them, and earning their trust. I've managed to fine tune not only my massage treatments but also things within my life that I have the ability to apply to my work life - like how my running, lifting and yoga passions teach me about an athletic client's specific needs and problem areas on a deeper level, how my sensitive gut has lead me to paleo-friendly food choices that I can recommend to clients, and how holistic approaches are always my go-to. Because of the athletic environment I work in, conversations during treatment naturally sway towards these topics, and I feel so energized when I am able to help clients through my personal experience and knowledge on more than just soft tissue work. I enjoy hearing about what people had for breakfast that day or what their work out entailed just as much as I enjoy the release of a stubborn knot in a muscle belly. And so, it became clear that Wellness Coaching was a natural thing for me to add to my massage profession.
The most exciting thing about this career addition is the endless options I have. Realistically, going grocery shopping with every client is not what I have in mind. I want my choices to emphasize my love of exercise, food, but most importantly - self love and emotional well-being. I want to help people take steps to find their true happiness, and let the exercise and good eating fall into place as a result of the self respect they will gain. Before I dive into this course and go at it with an unsteady plan, I first wanted to write out (for client's awareness and my own use) some ways I'd enjoy being a Wellness Coach, because after all, loving your job is an important factor in happiness, and I wouldn't be the best example if I began this new path by branching out in ways that are uncomfortable for me. So, I came up with a list of things I genuinely enjoy, and feel I could incorporate into client meetings.
Tea in the sunroom. This is one of my favorite things to do every afternoon, and where many Wellness Coaches seem to meet with people in their own homes, what better place to chat about goals and a healthier life than in my little room of sunshine while we sip tea or coffee? It would take something I enjoy doing for myself daily and add the bonus of helping people set and reach their health goals while sipping delicious tea.
Blogging. Well, since this is a blog, I suppose that one's a little obvious. I am fortunate to have gone through many of the wellness changes that I will be helping future clients achieve, and because of this I have the ability to share my personal successes through writing. I can share everything from the little things I do daily to incorporate health and happiness, to recipe ideas and work out routines. These are things I am already passionate and knowledgeable about, so why not write about them for other people's benefit? If I help one person try something new, that's great! If not, I know I will enjoy writing about it simple because I am passionate about them! Win-win.
Walk and talk. My mother, who is a psychologist, started a program with her clients when she was living in Maine that I always thought was a brilliant idea: instead of sitting in her sea-side apartment for sessions, they would have therapy while walking along the beach. This, I think, is something I would love to include. We are fortunate to live near a few small beaches, but also some beautiful trails and a bike path. Fresh air and exercise while creating a plan for life style change seems like a no-brainer to me.
Wellness Massage. I haven't quite figured out just how I want to do this, since like I previously stated, conversation naturally sways towards the topics of wellness already, but I would love to find a way to specifically have sessions that involve both soft tissue work and mental health. You'll have to stay tuned (or please share your opinions!) on this one.
All in all, I am excited for this new learning experience and hopes to help people become healthier and happier. Any thoughts or advice as I take on this new chapter are more than welcome!
The most exciting thing about this career addition is the endless options I have. Realistically, going grocery shopping with every client is not what I have in mind. I want my choices to emphasize my love of exercise, food, but most importantly - self love and emotional well-being. I want to help people take steps to find their true happiness, and let the exercise and good eating fall into place as a result of the self respect they will gain. Before I dive into this course and go at it with an unsteady plan, I first wanted to write out (for client's awareness and my own use) some ways I'd enjoy being a Wellness Coach, because after all, loving your job is an important factor in happiness, and I wouldn't be the best example if I began this new path by branching out in ways that are uncomfortable for me. So, I came up with a list of things I genuinely enjoy, and feel I could incorporate into client meetings.
Tea in the sunroom. This is one of my favorite things to do every afternoon, and where many Wellness Coaches seem to meet with people in their own homes, what better place to chat about goals and a healthier life than in my little room of sunshine while we sip tea or coffee? It would take something I enjoy doing for myself daily and add the bonus of helping people set and reach their health goals while sipping delicious tea.
Blogging. Well, since this is a blog, I suppose that one's a little obvious. I am fortunate to have gone through many of the wellness changes that I will be helping future clients achieve, and because of this I have the ability to share my personal successes through writing. I can share everything from the little things I do daily to incorporate health and happiness, to recipe ideas and work out routines. These are things I am already passionate and knowledgeable about, so why not write about them for other people's benefit? If I help one person try something new, that's great! If not, I know I will enjoy writing about it simple because I am passionate about them! Win-win.
Walk and talk. My mother, who is a psychologist, started a program with her clients when she was living in Maine that I always thought was a brilliant idea: instead of sitting in her sea-side apartment for sessions, they would have therapy while walking along the beach. This, I think, is something I would love to include. We are fortunate to live near a few small beaches, but also some beautiful trails and a bike path. Fresh air and exercise while creating a plan for life style change seems like a no-brainer to me.
Wellness Massage. I haven't quite figured out just how I want to do this, since like I previously stated, conversation naturally sways towards the topics of wellness already, but I would love to find a way to specifically have sessions that involve both soft tissue work and mental health. You'll have to stay tuned (or please share your opinions!) on this one.
All in all, I am excited for this new learning experience and hopes to help people become healthier and happier. Any thoughts or advice as I take on this new chapter are more than welcome!
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Alone in Marriage
Reading the title of this blog, you may think that this post is going to be negatively swayed. It's actually quite the opposite, because feeling alone in my marriage is possibly the best thing for my marriage.
What the what? I know. Allow me to explain.
Over the past few years, and more seriously and particularly the last one, I have worked deeply on myself. I've read, wrote, and thought about the journey to true happiness - what it looks like, what it entails - and I have made a sincere effort in all aspects of my life to work on them daily. Ultimately, what it comes down to is that happiness is an inside job. It's something you create yourself, and that you define based on your true inner peace, and not your marital status, job title or house size. I've learned that no matter what happens, you can always find the good, and having this attitude puts the power of my happiness in no ones hands but my own. Applying this method of thinking to my marriage has allowed for a much more enjoyable love.
Still not with me on this one? Okay, more to tell.
In pervious blogs, I've talked about expectations, and how we tend to make them, run with them, and set ourselves up for disappointment. "He knows I had a long day at work, maybe I'll come home to the dishes done" - only to walk through that door, see a sink piled high with dirty dishes, and a husband who has no idea why you are pissed. A bitter "so what did you do all day" typically followed, and since the answer wasn't "tended to your every expectation" - it was never good enough. And, admittedly, totally unfair. Especially because the time I'm at work is the only time he has for himself all day - an unfortunate cause of working 2nd shift. If he were to take his morning to do chores for me just so I can come home from work and relax, that takes away from his own time before heading off to work until midnight - with no time to relax. It took a very awakening conversation with my sister in law to realize how I need to better respect his time. I opened up to her about how hard it was to be on opposite schedules, and how I felt he was being selfish for using his mornings entirely for himself - mostly at the gym - leaving little or no time for me, the girls, or help with housework. Her response has stuck with me ever since. She said "at work, he's a correctional officer, at home, he's a husband and a father, but when does he just get to be Eric?" And there it was: the realization that he plays all these different roles throughout the day that have their own expectations, and here I am stepping on his time to be himself, just to make my work load lighter. Not only was this making my husband feel pressured, but it was an equally shitty feeling for me. I wanted - and expected - things to get done that were not getting done, and would spend my days annoyed. I would look at his time in the gym as neglecting everything else, instead of honoring his time to himself. I would look at the baskets of laundry that needed folding or the bed that went unmade and fuel an inner fire, instead of simply asking for help or happily getting to it myself. That conversation with my sister in law was the start of a new mindset for me, my marriage and our opposite schedules. In a way, I felt I needed to disconnect from my husband in order to be a stronger individual in my marriage - which sounds strange since marriage is supposed to be a unity, but I had to work on myself and create my own happiness. Any expectations I made had to be followed through on my own. I had to honor not only my husband's time but mine as well. I had to sit with the discomfort of the distance I was creating between us in order to be able to see who we could be as Eric and Lauren, not Mr. and Mrs.
When he spends his mornings focused on himself, I choose not to be bitter, because we always have a choice. I choose to respect that as his time, and take the time for myself as well. At work, I look forward to each client I will help, and constantly remind myself how lucky I am to do what I love. At home, I make the most of my time with the girls, and find balance in house work, reading, yoga, and writing. When he works, I make social plans for myself with friends and family, and then finally, when he's home, I've missed him. And because we've allowed each other this sense of freedom and space to just be ourselves - the individual - the time we do get together may be minimal, but it's better spent. It's enjoyable. And it's not filled with a laundry list of things we'd like to change to avoid the cycle of expectation and disappointment. It also allows the little things to stand out that much more; the kiss on the cheek while I make breakfast, walking into the bedroom to see the bed made, coming home with insane tubs of coconut oil from BJ's (because who wants flowers anyway?) Those little (big) things mean so much more when they are done on their own, and without the aid of an attitude from your wife. So, if it gets done, I am a bundle of hugs and kisses and thank-you's, and, if it doesn't, I'll get to it. It's really that simple. It's also pretty damn simple to learn to ask for help if it's needed, which is something I also had to practice when cutting ties from expectation.
I always get funny looks when I say this, but I don't feel like I need to be married. Marriage isn't a necessity. You don't need someone to make you happy. In my eyes, marriage is two people who love each other deeply, respect each other's personal growth and dreams, and who add to the other person's life in a positive way. If any one of those three things stops, then what is the point? I am raising my children with an understanding that marriage is a choice, and that the most important thing that lies within it is happiness. Anytime they ask if Mommy and Daddy will be together forever, I tell them that we are very happy now and always hope to be, and will be together as long as we are. This isn't to say we won't endure more hard times that will challenge that happiness, or that we will be quick to walk away in those moments, but I believe happiness in life - not just marriage - is the most important possession anyone could ever have, and the knowledge that it comes from no one other than yourself is the biggest lesson I've set out to teach those little girls of ours. In an attempt to break the cycle of the cliché parenting quote "do as I say not as I do", I hope to show them a strong marriage through my individual happiness.
Not that an "average" marriage is even a thing, but we are far from it; we work opposite schedules, don't share a day off, have separate social circles, different hobbies and passions - the list goes on. I used to critique all of these things in a negative manner, get down about them, and truly just feel alone in my marriage. It wasn't until after years of soul searching, therapy, books and blogs that I realized that being alone didn't have to be bad. It was in that alone time that I grew comfortable with who I was, and changed things I didn't like. By doing that, I can always work toward being the best wife, mother and Lauren that I can be. I can appreciate Eric's time to himself, be thankful for his working hours, and fortunate for what time we do get together. I can be at peace with the sink full of dishes or gushing over the running dishwasher. I can step back and acknowledge what he does bring to my life instead of zoning in on what may be lacking - because really, anything that is lacking, I have the power to do alone.
Alone doesn't mean lonely. It doesn't mean sad or miserable. And in my marriage, it's what has helped me grow to be a better wife, but most importantly, a better me.
What the what? I know. Allow me to explain.
Over the past few years, and more seriously and particularly the last one, I have worked deeply on myself. I've read, wrote, and thought about the journey to true happiness - what it looks like, what it entails - and I have made a sincere effort in all aspects of my life to work on them daily. Ultimately, what it comes down to is that happiness is an inside job. It's something you create yourself, and that you define based on your true inner peace, and not your marital status, job title or house size. I've learned that no matter what happens, you can always find the good, and having this attitude puts the power of my happiness in no ones hands but my own. Applying this method of thinking to my marriage has allowed for a much more enjoyable love.
Still not with me on this one? Okay, more to tell.
In pervious blogs, I've talked about expectations, and how we tend to make them, run with them, and set ourselves up for disappointment. "He knows I had a long day at work, maybe I'll come home to the dishes done" - only to walk through that door, see a sink piled high with dirty dishes, and a husband who has no idea why you are pissed. A bitter "so what did you do all day" typically followed, and since the answer wasn't "tended to your every expectation" - it was never good enough. And, admittedly, totally unfair. Especially because the time I'm at work is the only time he has for himself all day - an unfortunate cause of working 2nd shift. If he were to take his morning to do chores for me just so I can come home from work and relax, that takes away from his own time before heading off to work until midnight - with no time to relax. It took a very awakening conversation with my sister in law to realize how I need to better respect his time. I opened up to her about how hard it was to be on opposite schedules, and how I felt he was being selfish for using his mornings entirely for himself - mostly at the gym - leaving little or no time for me, the girls, or help with housework. Her response has stuck with me ever since. She said "at work, he's a correctional officer, at home, he's a husband and a father, but when does he just get to be Eric?" And there it was: the realization that he plays all these different roles throughout the day that have their own expectations, and here I am stepping on his time to be himself, just to make my work load lighter. Not only was this making my husband feel pressured, but it was an equally shitty feeling for me. I wanted - and expected - things to get done that were not getting done, and would spend my days annoyed. I would look at his time in the gym as neglecting everything else, instead of honoring his time to himself. I would look at the baskets of laundry that needed folding or the bed that went unmade and fuel an inner fire, instead of simply asking for help or happily getting to it myself. That conversation with my sister in law was the start of a new mindset for me, my marriage and our opposite schedules. In a way, I felt I needed to disconnect from my husband in order to be a stronger individual in my marriage - which sounds strange since marriage is supposed to be a unity, but I had to work on myself and create my own happiness. Any expectations I made had to be followed through on my own. I had to honor not only my husband's time but mine as well. I had to sit with the discomfort of the distance I was creating between us in order to be able to see who we could be as Eric and Lauren, not Mr. and Mrs.
When he spends his mornings focused on himself, I choose not to be bitter, because we always have a choice. I choose to respect that as his time, and take the time for myself as well. At work, I look forward to each client I will help, and constantly remind myself how lucky I am to do what I love. At home, I make the most of my time with the girls, and find balance in house work, reading, yoga, and writing. When he works, I make social plans for myself with friends and family, and then finally, when he's home, I've missed him. And because we've allowed each other this sense of freedom and space to just be ourselves - the individual - the time we do get together may be minimal, but it's better spent. It's enjoyable. And it's not filled with a laundry list of things we'd like to change to avoid the cycle of expectation and disappointment. It also allows the little things to stand out that much more; the kiss on the cheek while I make breakfast, walking into the bedroom to see the bed made, coming home with insane tubs of coconut oil from BJ's (because who wants flowers anyway?) Those little (big) things mean so much more when they are done on their own, and without the aid of an attitude from your wife. So, if it gets done, I am a bundle of hugs and kisses and thank-you's, and, if it doesn't, I'll get to it. It's really that simple. It's also pretty damn simple to learn to ask for help if it's needed, which is something I also had to practice when cutting ties from expectation.
I always get funny looks when I say this, but I don't feel like I need to be married. Marriage isn't a necessity. You don't need someone to make you happy. In my eyes, marriage is two people who love each other deeply, respect each other's personal growth and dreams, and who add to the other person's life in a positive way. If any one of those three things stops, then what is the point? I am raising my children with an understanding that marriage is a choice, and that the most important thing that lies within it is happiness. Anytime they ask if Mommy and Daddy will be together forever, I tell them that we are very happy now and always hope to be, and will be together as long as we are. This isn't to say we won't endure more hard times that will challenge that happiness, or that we will be quick to walk away in those moments, but I believe happiness in life - not just marriage - is the most important possession anyone could ever have, and the knowledge that it comes from no one other than yourself is the biggest lesson I've set out to teach those little girls of ours. In an attempt to break the cycle of the cliché parenting quote "do as I say not as I do", I hope to show them a strong marriage through my individual happiness.
Not that an "average" marriage is even a thing, but we are far from it; we work opposite schedules, don't share a day off, have separate social circles, different hobbies and passions - the list goes on. I used to critique all of these things in a negative manner, get down about them, and truly just feel alone in my marriage. It wasn't until after years of soul searching, therapy, books and blogs that I realized that being alone didn't have to be bad. It was in that alone time that I grew comfortable with who I was, and changed things I didn't like. By doing that, I can always work toward being the best wife, mother and Lauren that I can be. I can appreciate Eric's time to himself, be thankful for his working hours, and fortunate for what time we do get together. I can be at peace with the sink full of dishes or gushing over the running dishwasher. I can step back and acknowledge what he does bring to my life instead of zoning in on what may be lacking - because really, anything that is lacking, I have the power to do alone.
Alone doesn't mean lonely. It doesn't mean sad or miserable. And in my marriage, it's what has helped me grow to be a better wife, but most importantly, a better me.
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