Reading the title of this blog, you may think that this post is going to be negatively swayed. It's actually quite the opposite, because feeling alone in my marriage is possibly the best thing for my marriage.
What the what? I know. Allow me to explain.
Over the past few years, and more seriously and particularly the last one, I have worked deeply on myself. I've read, wrote, and thought about the journey to true happiness - what it looks like, what it entails - and I have made a sincere effort in all aspects of my life to work on them daily. Ultimately, what it comes down to is that happiness is an inside job. It's something you create yourself, and that you define based on your true inner peace, and not your marital status, job title or house size. I've learned that no matter what happens, you can always find the good, and having this attitude puts the power of my happiness in no ones hands but my own. Applying this method of thinking to my marriage has allowed for a much more enjoyable love.
Still not with me on this one? Okay, more to tell.
In pervious blogs, I've talked about expectations, and how we tend to make them, run with them, and set ourselves up for disappointment. "He knows I had a long day at work, maybe I'll come home to the dishes done" - only to walk through that door, see a sink piled high with dirty dishes, and a husband who has no idea why you are pissed. A bitter "so what did you do all day" typically followed, and since the answer wasn't "tended to your every expectation" - it was never good enough. And, admittedly, totally unfair. Especially because the time I'm at work is the only time he has for himself all day - an unfortunate cause of working 2nd shift. If he were to take his morning to do chores for me just so I can come home from work and relax, that takes away from his own time before heading off to work until midnight - with no time to relax. It took a very awakening conversation with my sister in law to realize how I need to better respect his time. I opened up to her about how hard it was to be on opposite schedules, and how I felt he was being selfish for using his mornings entirely for himself - mostly at the gym - leaving little or no time for me, the girls, or help with housework. Her response has stuck with me ever since. She said "at work, he's a correctional officer, at home, he's a husband and a father, but when does he just get to be Eric?" And there it was: the realization that he plays all these different roles throughout the day that have their own expectations, and here I am stepping on his time to be himself, just to make my work load lighter. Not only was this making my husband feel pressured, but it was an equally shitty feeling for me. I wanted - and expected - things to get done that were not getting done, and would spend my days annoyed. I would look at his time in the gym as neglecting everything else, instead of honoring his time to himself. I would look at the baskets of laundry that needed folding or the bed that went unmade and fuel an inner fire, instead of simply asking for help or happily getting to it myself. That conversation with my sister in law was the start of a new mindset for me, my marriage and our opposite schedules. In a way, I felt I needed to disconnect from my husband in order to be a stronger individual in my marriage - which sounds strange since marriage is supposed to be a unity, but I had to work on myself and create my own happiness. Any expectations I made had to be followed through on my own. I had to honor not only my husband's time but mine as well. I had to sit with the discomfort of the distance I was creating between us in order to be able to see who we could be as Eric and Lauren, not Mr. and Mrs.
When he spends his mornings focused on himself, I choose not to be bitter, because we always have a choice. I choose to respect that as his time, and take the time for myself as well. At work, I look forward to each client I will help, and constantly remind myself how lucky I am to do what I love. At home, I make the most of my time with the girls, and find balance in house work, reading, yoga, and writing. When he works, I make social plans for myself with friends and family, and then finally, when he's home, I've missed him. And because we've allowed each other this sense of freedom and space to just be ourselves - the individual - the time we do get together may be minimal, but it's better spent. It's enjoyable. And it's not filled with a laundry list of things we'd like to change to avoid the cycle of expectation and disappointment. It also allows the little things to stand out that much more; the kiss on the cheek while I make breakfast, walking into the bedroom to see the bed made, coming home with insane tubs of coconut oil from BJ's (because who wants flowers anyway?) Those little (big) things mean so much more when they are done on their own, and without the aid of an attitude from your wife. So, if it gets done, I am a bundle of hugs and kisses and thank-you's, and, if it doesn't, I'll get to it. It's really that simple. It's also pretty damn simple to learn to ask for help if it's needed, which is something I also had to practice when cutting ties from expectation.
I always get funny looks when I say this, but I don't feel like I need to be married. Marriage isn't a necessity. You don't need someone to make you happy. In my eyes, marriage is two people who love each other deeply, respect each other's personal growth and dreams, and who add to the other person's life in a positive way. If any one of those three things stops, then what is the point? I am raising my children with an understanding that marriage is a choice, and that the most important thing that lies within it is happiness. Anytime they ask if Mommy and Daddy will be together forever, I tell them that we are very happy now and always hope to be, and will be together as long as we are. This isn't to say we won't endure more hard times that will challenge that happiness, or that we will be quick to walk away in those moments, but I believe happiness in life - not just marriage - is the most important possession anyone could ever have, and the knowledge that it comes from no one other than yourself is the biggest lesson I've set out to teach those little girls of ours. In an attempt to break the cycle of the cliché parenting quote "do as I say not as I do", I hope to show them a strong marriage through my individual happiness.
Not that an "average" marriage is even a thing, but we are far from it; we work opposite schedules, don't share a day off, have separate social circles, different hobbies and passions - the list goes on. I used to critique all of these things in a negative manner, get down about them, and truly just feel alone in my marriage. It wasn't until after years of soul searching, therapy, books and blogs that I realized that being alone didn't have to be bad. It was in that alone time that I grew comfortable with who I was, and changed things I didn't like. By doing that, I can always work toward being the best wife, mother and Lauren that I can be. I can appreciate Eric's time to himself, be thankful for his working hours, and fortunate for what time we do get together. I can be at peace with the sink full of dishes or gushing over the running dishwasher. I can step back and acknowledge what he does bring to my life instead of zoning in on what may be lacking - because really, anything that is lacking, I have the power to do alone.
Alone doesn't mean lonely. It doesn't mean sad or miserable. And in my marriage, it's what has helped me grow to be a better wife, but most importantly, a better me.
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