Disordered eating. It's different from the more widely known 'eating disorders' simply because it doesn't warrant that specific diagnosis, but similar in the fact that it involves abnormal eating behaviors. Wikipedia describes disordered eating as having common features of eating disorders such as chronic restrained eating, compulsive eating, and binge eating with loss of control. Those behaviors that are not characteristic of any eating disorder are listed as chaotic eating patterns, ignoring physical feelings of hunger or fullness, emotional eating and night eating. When I read these things, all I could think was "me, me, me".
If you know me at all, or just simply follow me on social media, you know I love food, all in which are crazy health foods. How, you might wonder, could someone who eats so healthy have an unhealthy relationship with food? This even strikes my husband as strange. I've come so far from the teenager who skipped meals after indulging, or from the new mother who went calorie-counting-crazy. And yet, when I dive into that kids-are-in-bed snack of too many almonds, I still hoard the guilt I used to have in those previous, less healthy times. My husband sees a healthy snack that I had in large quantity, and I see a lack of self control. Sometimes, I feel frustrated knowing that I've been working on my relationship with food for over a decade, and then I am brought back to neutral by remembering how far I have come, and that there is always, always room for more change. Here, I am going to share things I have done that I found helpful, not only to remind myself, but in hopes that it can help anyone else experiencing a similar struggle.
"Your body is the only place you have to live" - this little popular saying has become a little mantra of mine when it comes to eating. It reminds me that it's no one's job but my own to take care of myself, and one of the biggest ways to do so is to fuel it well. In order to do this, I ask lots of questions, starting with a very simple "what am I in the mood for?" at meal times. I've learned the hard way that if I am in the mood for something sweet, and instead choose a salad because it's the "healthier" choice, I will be left unsatisfied when my plate is cleared. This typically results in a large homemade chocolate, handful of nuts, or several minutes in front of the fridge or cabinet mindlessly munching. I believe that your body craves what it needs, and so I've learned to listen to it closely. Now, that doesn't mean having a candy bar for lunch because my sweet tooth is calling, but rather choosing a fruit smoothie and granola bar, or making my famous sweet potato meal with chicken and cinnamon. The sweetness fills my craving and I'm able to feel satisfied and done when the meal is gone.
Another question I need to ask myself is "what did I do for exercise today?" - this isn't to justify huge portions or extra snacks, but simply to tune into what my body may be needing based on that day's activity. For instance, if I went to the gym and lifted heavy, I'm sure to base my meal around protein. If I went for a long run, I'm sure to include a complex carb with protein to refuel and recover. I've found that being aware in this way prevents me from experiencing bouts of extreme hunger later. Breakfast is almost always my biggest meal of the day; partially because I have just worked out and need to fuel up, and also because it jump starts your metabolism for the rest of the day's digestion. I'm also sure to include a "good fat" with every meal, because I have found that, included with protein, it's what really factors into that full-feeling between meals. I have at least half an avocado, olive oil, and coconut oil daily. Luckily, I'm long past the "fat makes you fat" nonsense. Eat fat, people.
Now, an important and recent thing I've had to do is hold myself accountable for "trigger foods". Everyone seems to have that one thing that they will binge on; for my dad, it's Cape Cod potato chips. I'll always remember him making my school lunch early in the morning, and on the counter would be a little pile of chips next to the bag he packed me, because even though it was 6:30am, he couldn't help himself. For me, it's nuts. I don't know what it is about them, but they are my potato chip: I can't just have one (handful). Not only would I add them to foods throughout the day (walnuts in my oatmeal, almonds in my yogurt, cashews in my ginger stir-fries), but it was my go-to snack at night when I need a little (lotta) somethin'. Most people would say a handful of almonds before bed isn't the worst, but for me, it was. A handful was never enough, and so I always went back for more. Same with nut-butters; I'd start by spreading some on a rice cake, and, being left with a need for more, I'd reach for apple slices and celery to spread it on. Sure, healthy choices, but half a jar of sun-butter later, I wasn't feeling so healthy. It's really the one thing I felt had a hold of me, that I had no self control over. Over the last 3 years I've given up dairy, wheat, soy, sugar, anything processed or with more than a handful of ingredients - but I refused to give up nuts because "they're healthy". What I never was willing to look at was my relationship with them, which was extremely unhealthy. Shit, I'm constantly telling my husband how I don't need him but want him - how could I feel I needed nuts in my life this much?! Just this past week, I broke up with them in their singular form; ie. raw nuts and nut butters. This is something I should have done long ago, but never wanted to feel like I had to give up something I really just loved. But I came to realize that, delicious or not, healthy or not, it was a trigger food for me. And, if I wanted to fuel my body well, binging on nuts was never going to make me feel good. This past week while grocery shopping, I had a stare-down with my beloved sun-butter, then kept walking.
Since I've been doing the "foodie-thing" for nearly 4 years now, I have a good grasp on healthy meals, portion sizes that work for me, and a well balanced plate. My downfall has always been snacks. Again, not necessarily what the snack is, but how much, and whether or not I even needed it or if I was eating out of habit. And so, another question I learned to ask was "am I actually hungry?" If I had dinner at 5:00 and it's 8:00 with a long run planned in the morning, yeah, I could use a snack. However, my struggle came when dinner was served at 7:00 and I damn well know I didn't need more food at 8:00 but the kids are in bed and this is our snack time. Even now as I write this, I have chia pudding setting in the fridge, I had a late dinner after work, and realistically, I am not hungry. But there is something about the habit of a late night snack that makes the thought of not having one almost panicked. This is still a work in progress for me, but tuning into "okay Lauren, are you actually hungry?" holds me accountable for my own body and needs. What's funny is the fact that I eat healthy actually often causes me to eat when I may not necessarily be hungry, simply because it's healthy. Like that chia pudding setting in the fridge; it's chia seeds, flax seeds, raw cacoa powder, organic maple syrup and cashew milk. It's literally harmless and boasts so many health benefits that often I will eat it whether I'm hungry or not, compared to the knowledge of ice cream in the freezer and opting out of it because it's not healthy.
Despite the fact that there is always room for improvement, I am proud for coming as far as I have. In years prior, I would plan a food restraint and excessive work out after a night of overeating, where as now I acknowledge it as a night I enjoyed myself, and embrace the new day and the choices I've yet to make. So as I say goodbye to nuts in our house, I can feel good about being honest about a weakness and the willingness to move forward. Our bodies are the only place we have to live, after all.
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