My life has unfolded way out of order.
Baby before marriage, falling in love with someone other than the father of that baby, married years before my friends, honeymoon baby to follow. Now, at the age of 32 with a nearly 12 and 9 year old, an amazing husband and new life in North Carolina, I am happier than I've ever been with no regrets. However, I can't help but feel like I missed out on the positive attention people typically receive with these life changing moments.
Becoming pregnant at the unplanned age of 19 in a very new relationship wasn't exactly a recipe for "congratulations". Instead of being showered with hugs and excitement, I was asked if I would keep the baby. Sharing this news was ridden with anxiety, nerves and fear of the opinion of others. It was a "sit down, I have something I need to tell you" situation, rather than a love-filled exciting moment. Despite always wanting to be a mother, I felt like a disappointment to my family, a problem to worry about to my friends, and a failure to my unborn daughter who was conceived with the wrong person.
Leaving that relationship and falling fast for my now husband came with its own set of judgment - especially when conceiving and losing another baby, and becoming engaged just 4 months into our relationship. The true excitement came from my parents who had grown to know and love this man, but everyone else had their own opinions; we were moving too fast, we didn't understand love or the commitment of marriage, we were too young, we were naïve, why not wait? When we called to tell people our news, they asked if we were sure instead of screaming into the receiver while jumping up and down with joy. We even received messages telling us not to go through with it.
With my older daughter being 2 years old at our wedding, we decided to give her a sibling sooner than later, and tried (and succeeded) for our 2nd daughter on our honeymoon. This was the one I thought I could actually share with joy; now a married family with a planned baby on the way, I hoped to finally get the positive attention I so craved. Instead, the news was more often followed up with "was this planned?" Or worse, when sitting down to share: "please don't tell me you're pregnant".
As I got older and friends my age were finally getting engaged and having children of their own, I couldn't help but feel jealous. Their families were so excited, their friends planned big events for the occasions, an outpouring of love was splashed all over Facebook...and as much as I shared this excitement for them, all I could think was "man, I really missed out on this level of joyous celebration". People felt bad for me. People doubted me. Looking back, it was like there was a black cloud over these moments in my life instead of sunshine and rainbows.
I believe in the cliché that everything happens for a reason. Being such a young mother and wife made me try extra hard, even if it was driven by the opinions of others. This effort has shaped two amazing girls and a healthy, communication filled marriage. I was able to be the person my friends called for advice with their first pregnancy, baby, or marriage problem. I am so fortunate to have been done with massage school before pregnancy, to have found a man who loved my daughter as much as me, and to be a young mother because, as I always say, "I get you for longer". My circumstances worked in my favor, and for that I am thankful. I can also look back and recognize that we did things on our time line, no one else's. But, because of this, we also really missed out. As much as things truly worked out and we created a dream life for ourselves, there will always be a part of me that is sad, jealous, and envious.
No regrets, just the feels.
