12 Years Ago

 

I remember this day so clearly. I was sitting at an oversized dining room table in my very first apartment, having made the tough decision to leave Lyla's biological father. So many feelings of guilt and failure plagued me. Though my pregnancy with Lyla was unplanned, and I was so young, I wanted to make it work. I didn't want to have a broken family, I didn't want to be a cliché, I didn't want to be judged. I remember telling my dad, randomly, on his back deck while Lyla splashed in the turtle kiddie pool. I put on such a good show of happiness that he seemed blindsided by the news. 12 years ago in that apartment, tears streamed down my face with each friend or family member I told, and sweet 10 month old Lyla crawled up to me, cuddled me, and gave me her binky. I was sad for her, but in that moment I also knew I was doing the right thing. 

Her father was not mean, he was not negligent, he wasn't a bad father. He simply wasn't the one. It took 9 months of pregnancy and 10 months of Lyla's life for me to see that the happy ending I desired would not be with this man. I had moved out of my childhood home at 19 to gain independence with my new family, and moved in with my mom at 20, new mom, lost. I don't remember how I told her bio-dad, but I do remember standing in Lyla's nursery with him, staring at her perfectly hung, tiny articles of clothing, us both crying. No matter how unhappy you are, it sucks to hurt someone. Even worse when that hurt means breaking up a little family. His hurt turned ugly and cruel, but that first night Lyla and I settled into my mom's condo, I knew it was the right decision. I could breathe, and she was happy. 

As I reflect back on that time 12 years ago, I am proud. What a messy thing to have to do at such a young age, but even that young, I knew that the best mom I could be was a happy one. I deserved that, and so did my daughter. When Eric came into our lives, they changed forever. My marriage is the thing I am most proud of. We work hard, we love hard, we have fun, we work things through; what an example to set for our daughters. An example I could have never given if I stayed with someone else for the wrong reasons. A love I would have never experienced if I never left. I'm here to thank that young, scared, but strong new mom from all those years ago because her decisions are the reason my life is so blissful today. 

I could have let the embarrassment of what others would think or say get the best of me. I could have continued to post a fake happy life on Facebook and deeply yearned for more every single day. I could have "done the right thing" and marry that man for the sake of a baby, and came pretty darn close. I could have kept telling myself that he doesn't hit me, that he financially supports us, that he's a good person, but man - am I glad I didn't. I had every excuse to stay, and I didn't use a single one. My girl and her binky, 12 years ago...we changed our lives by choosing happiness.