My Backwards Life

Bass-ackwards; this is how society views the unfolding of my life's events. The "norm" of college, career, love, marriage, house and children didn't quite go that way for me. Pregnant by someone I didn't love, an ectopic pregnancy by someone I did, married when living in a tiny apartment and working for minimum wage at the YMCA, having a 2nd child, developing my massage career and then purchasing a house certainly was not the way my childhood self would have dreamed. Admittedly, it all worked out for the better, and I couldn't care less about what society thinks about that - but it took a while for me to get over the judgement. 

One thing I do feel like I missed out on was the experience of these monumental events in my life. A lot of what makes pregnancy and a wedding so exciting is found in the ability to share this excitement with others. Because, being 19 and in a new relationship, I didn't exactly receive cheers of congratulations with my pregnancy announcement, or when I was 22 and engaged to Eric after only 4 months of dating, you can imagine how people expressed concern more than joy. I tried to engulf myself in these experiences despite what others may have felt, because no matter what, they were happening to me. 

I embraced motherhood at 20 years old, trading 2am frat parties for diaper changes and breastfeeding. I later moved away from home with Eric and began to plan a wedding in this totally new, weird, limbo part of my life; I didn't have a wave of new college friends like many of my high school friends did, and it was hard for me to develop new friends in this unfamiliar town since most people my age didn't rock a diaper bag and one year old on their coffee dates. Our wedding was so not us. We got married in a church, I wore a gown from David's Bridal, we invited high school friends we hadn't seen or talked to in months, and though we didn't care much for detail which allowed the planning to be quick and painless, I can't help but look back and wish things were different. 

It may have only been 5 years since our wedding, but our lives - including who we are - have changed tremendously. People I'd now consider my best friends I didn't even know when I got married. Two of the people in our wedding party, including my husband's best man, aren't in our lives at all anymore. We were lucky to have had the ability to include Lyla in our special day, but now we have our beautiful Hannah. I can only imagine the flood of support, excitement, and love that would occur if we were to have a do-over wedding in our new lives. And I wouldn't be caught dead in a wedding gown. 

I've always thought it was a little corny for people to renew their vows; we get it: you're married, you still love each other, and now you're milking it for a bonus party and gifts. But now that I see how much can change over the years, the friendships we now cherish deeply, the growth of our children and acceptance of those surrounding us - this thought seems less like a greedy excuse for a party and more like a necessary celebration of success with those we love. 

I'm proud of the fact that I veared from the "normal" path in life and was still able to find my way. I found love, I developed a career I'm passionate about, I created two little humans, I have friends who support and inspire me, and it all worked out; despite the fact that it was out of order, despite the negative assumptions of others, and despite the fact that I feel I missed out on the thrill of it all, I arrived where I am today regardless. I look forward to one day celebrating a vow renewal with those who also missed out, and being able to experience that overflow of joy that I thought I deserved years ago. And for now, I have quite the story to reflect back on as a reminder of how far I've come, "bass-ackwards" or not.