Throughout my childhood, I didn't experience an exuberant amount of change. I lived in the same childhood home until I was 19 and moved into my first apartment. My parents didn't divorce until I was 16, leaving all holiday traditions, family gatherings, and yearly vacations in tact. There were no sudden deaths, no wild illnesses, no major house renovations, no change in careers for my parents...just a life of consistency and stability for this girl. Most parents strive for this life style for their children, always pleading that "children need stability", but I found that it set me up for failure when it came to change.
First, it was minor things, like my best friend's parents renovating parts of their home; with every rug torn up I mourned over my memories of rolling around on it, for every piece of furniture replaced I remembered the crazy amounts of peanut butter MnM's shared on it - it was a little ridiculous, and not even my house!
Then, naturally, changes became bigger. Motherhood, marriage, moving away from home - big changes that, yes, warrant tears and some struggle, but I was still effected by the lesser changes, like when my husband would switch shifts at work; the thought of changing my work, exercise, and kiddo routines always sent me into a fit of bitter tears. Recently, when my father moved from Worcester to New Hampshire, I became what I believe to be a bit depressed after he sold my childhood home. I would climb right into bed after work, and allow those childish crocodile tears to slide down my face while I snuggled my daughters and convulsed over memory after memory. And of course, there was then the added change of my father being nearly 4 hours away; no more popping in for lunch, no more day trips to swim in the pool, no more inviting all my high school friends over for a visit when we were in town. That change was a rough one.
It was rough, anyway, until I realized that this change played a big role in my ability to put my big girl pants on and actually embrace change. I was able to see that, although we saw my dad less often, our time together when we did visit was cherished much more. Quick lunches turned into weekend hiking trips, afternoons spent swimming turned into lake side fishing, and quick catch-up chats became more in depth conversations. I was devastated, and yet, I was okay. Knowing I was okay after such a big change made me feel strong, and aided in my willingness to move to North Carolina when the opportunity came our way.
Now, instead of fearing change, I am looking forward to it, because what is change other than an opportunity to learn, grow, and discover more about yourself? I am not naive enough to think this move will be easy; we will miss our family, friends, familiarity, clients, and so forth like crazy. We will struggle with feelings of loneliness, we will question ourselves, we will have doubts. And yet, I'm looking forward to the struggle. I can't wait to see what it's like to only have my husband and kids in my corner, and see how we deal with the balance of our own needs while also being there for one another. After 30 years of living close to family, I can't wait to see how our relationships grow fonder with distance, and our time together more be cherished on visits. I can't wait to discover strengths we never knew we had, to see our ability to overcome something so difficult, to show our children that anything is possible, and to strengthen the bond with my husband and daughters.
My hope for myself as we get closer to the big move is to appreciate what I have right here, right now, and to not look back once we are settled 15 hours away. I hope to be able to engulf myself in all the feels such a big change can create; I want to feel the sadness, I want to feel the nerves, I want to feel the fear and the anxiety and the worry, because sitting with those feelings and truly allowing myself to have them will only make those better feelings of excitement, hope, and dream chasing all the more enticing. My hope for my girls is that this move will teach them that despite where they grew up, despite where your family resides, despite the hardships big change can bring, that they can be anywhere they dream of being. I look forward to showing them that yes, this will be hard, but yes, we will be okay. Because, after all, change is inevitable, and that's life.
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