RIP Control Freak

We all crave control, especially when there are lots of things in this world that are OUT of our control. 

The funny thing is that once I let go of a lot of the things I thought I NEEDED to control to keep all the plates spinning, I FELT more in control, and not a single plate dropped. 

I used to think that I needed to control time; time together, time with friends, time for family or outings or chores. I was so regimented that I made everyone - myself included - miserable. Everything seemed forced, on a time crunch, under pressure and filled with anxiety. If my husband said he’d be home from work at a certain time and god forbid stopped for gas, my blood boiled with every minute that passed. I was glued to the clock (especially a new-to-two mom who needed a break). My husband didn’t stand a chance from the minute he walked through that door, where I would instantly fling a newborn onto him and huff and puff myself into the next room. Because I treated him this way, I would receive similar treatment back; out with girlfriends or for a pedicure, I’d receive texts on time frame and short-answered responses if things ran late. Then I’d be the one coming home to a grumpy husband, needy toddler and crying baby. 

As a mother, I thought that controlling things like nap time, meals, snacks, and bedtime were a matter of life and death. Inflexibility caused me to miss out on many things, created stress in our home, arguments in my marriage, and less than patient parenting. 

This carried over into exercise and food. 

When your body feels out of control after a baby, you want nothing more than to feel back in control. (How sad). I made sure, no matter how exhausted or how inconvenient, that I went for a run or did some form of exercise every.day. 

Husband gets home from work, I fly out the door.

Kids down for a nap? Yoga mat rolls out. 

Opportunity for a babysitter? To the gym I went.

I missed out on so many moments with my husband by doing this, when I could have taken that time to be with him or use that sitter for a needed night out. I was so self absorbed in my need for control.

Enter food. It’s one thing to eat healthy, but I used to take it to a whole new level. I’m talking super restrictive, super strict, bring my own meals to weddings and holidays kind of level. This kind of restriction naturally lead to binges, depression, over exercising, but most importantly - a bad attitude that was easily projected onto my husband and kids. Family meals were non existent because I ate something different. Going out was likely embarrassing with my detailed food orders. I was constantly calorie counting, which meant always planning ahead, which meant always thinking about food. That attention could have been so much better spent on my own family than my selfish control needs. 

Enter our move to NC. When, for the first time in 30 years, I let it all go. I went out with new friends with no time frame planned, and learned my husband was supportive. I encouraged him to do the same, with weekend plans to golf, surf,  grab beers; and I, too, found that seeing him relaxed created more happiness between us. 

I ate the pizza and tasted the ice cream for the first time in years. I worked out when I felt like it and moved in ways I felt like moving, instead of calculating calories that needed to be burned. 

The most amazing part of it all is that once I let go of the tight grip I had on control, the more my life felt IN control. When I ate intuitively I stopped when I was full with no binges. I took more rest days and active recovery days because there was no longer anything to “work off” which in turn created much healthier, better feeling work outs. Not panicking over food or time to work out gave my brain space to breathe, leaving room for more games with my kids and fun with my husband. My relaxed NC lifestyle cascaded onto my family, and I see how strong and loving my marriage is, I see how little my daughter needs her anxiety medicine, I see how much joy my little one gets when she can have desert first. 

Letting go gave me the life that the control-freak in me wanted all along.