Mother's Day

Voluntarily waking up at 4:50 on today, Mother's Day, has me filled with an amazing sense of self. After years of hard work to let go, just be, rid of expectations, and enjoy the little things, I woke with an empowering feeling of accomplishment; no thoughts of gifts or flowers, no desire to escape to a spa, no push to sleep in or do less - a free mind to enjoy the 2 reasons I am able to celebrate Mother's Day at all: my Littles and my husband.

One year, I set myself up for failure with my own expectations. I assumed I'd wake up to a beautiful bouquet of flowers on our dining room table, after, of course, being able to sleep in and maybe even receive breakfast in bed. You can imagine my annoyance when I was the one to wake up with the kids, walked into a dining room with an empty table, and bitterly began to make my own breakfast. The day had just begun, and I was already in asshole-mode. Though, I did give a solid effort to not seem annoyed once my husband woke up, that lasted about as long as breakfast did. I sat there, poking my scrambled eggs, and unwrapping hundreds of tiny folded pieces of paper with hearts on them that Lyla made me, before finally snapping at Eric. "You couldn't have at least got me flowers or something?!" He had no comment. Then, after taking the dog out, emerged with flowers and my favorite chocolate bar which he had been hiding in the car.

I ruined what could have been a great, relaxing morning with my family by expecting it to go a certain way. It's true what they say: let go of your expectations and you will never be disappointed. Just because I didn't wake up that morning to find flowers on the table, didn't mean I wasn't getting them, and because I had my own plan of how the day would go, I ruined a thoughtful moment. Not to mention the fact that I wasn't mindfully present while opening all these teeny adorable papers from my daughter (the reason I am able to celebrate this day in the first place!) - I was too busy being annoyed, fueled by expectation and selfishness. The funny thing is that I'm not even a huge gift person. I'd much rather give than get, but there's something about the questions you receive around a holiday like Mother's Day that sets you up for those expectations, even if it's not what you really care for. My mother is a big contributor to these questions, as she believes her daughter's husband should give her the world by showering me with gifts and foot massages and over the top plans. That's what she expected when she was married, and she wants me to expect the same. And, as clearly pointed out above, I used to.

Luckily, I've learned to shut down the expectations department. What a relief. Time holds more value to me than any number of flowers, diamonds, or gifts. Today, at 4:50, I got out of bed to enjoy one of my favorite times of the day, where the house is quiet and the birds are loud. I sipped my giant mug of coffee as I click away on the laptop, anticipating a day filled with nothing more than family. The greatest gift is simply time, and how lucky for me that today marks the first day of my husband's vacation. Normally, we would be squeezing as much time as possible out of the morning before he left for his second shift job, but today, we get to let it al unfold and just enjoy. For that, I am thankful. But today, for some reason more than others, I feel like I am "here" - I can feel all of my hard work paying off as I am able to simple be - it's been a long few years of endless reading, yoga, deep breaths, and self work, and it'll always be on-going, but today, I feel that inner calm I have been striving for. No expectations. A feeling I'm sure my husband will appreciate when he wakes up to loving arms instead of crossed ones. No asshole-mode today. Just gratitude.