FeELinG FuNnY

I think I'm having my mid-life crisis early.

And no, I don't want to go out and buy a fancy sports car or leave my family to travel the world. But I do think I have an idea of where it's coming from: really thinking about who the heck I am.

Nearing 30 has me stopping to think how did I even get here? Married, 2 kids, 3 dogs, home owner, successful business - sure, all good things to be grateful for. But who was the person inside who lead me to those decisions and, am I still that same person today?

So much of my life could be defined as trying to be like someone else, or impress someone else.

I remember being in middle school, and was so insecure about fitting in and who liked me, that I made my parents buy this one girl a load of gifts for her birthday simply because I was convinced she was having a birthday party and not inviting me. Manipulation seemed like a solid choice. I never found out whether or not she had that party, because if she did, I wasn't on the guest list.

I remember being in high school and spending 2 hours straightening my hair because everyone seemed to have this perfectly shiny, amazing straight hair. Even though my outcome was more like a burnt-to-a-crisp, static-ridden flat mess, I still killed myself over that hair style. I also remember spending nearly $100 on Abercrombie and Fitch jeans that were so tight I could barely breath in them, but hey, being a size 00 was a thing, too.

I remember visits from my brother, my one sibling who is 13 years older than me, who I looked up to like a God. I hated being like an only child when he was away, but I loved having this cool, musician, smart as hell older brother to brag to my friends about. I remember him asking me for shoulder rubs and him telling me how good I was at them, and, I remember this being a big part of my decision to apply to massage therapy school after high school.

I remember an 18 year old relationship that I stayed in longer than I should have just because other girls were interested. I remember the drama and the fabrications created to keep us together for as long as it lasted.

I remember the choices I had when I found out I was pregnant at 19, and how I cared more about what others would think rather than what this meant for my life and my future.

I remember being a great mom, sometimes even too great with my helicopter parenting and my homemade organic baby foods, because I had to prove that getting pregnant young and becoming a mother at 20 didn't mean I had to suck at parenting.
*I remember not wanting to relive parts of my childhood where there was endless screen time and distracted parents, and to this day am still overbearing about TV and devices.

I remember meeting Eric, and how quickly we fell in love and got married. I remember everyone telling me to slow down, take a step back, and think. I remember promising we would prove them all wrong.

I remember getting pregnant with Hannah on our honeymoon, and how nervous we were to tell people because we knew we wouldn't get the reactions we wanted. I remember a friend asking "is this a good thing?" and needing to tell an in-law after a comment about waiting for more children. I remember, once again, being determined to prove everyone wrong.

I remember signing up for my first marathon, because my parents had run 70+ combined marathons, and why not follow in their footsteps?

So, when I look back and remember all of these things, it makes me question my motives in a lot of very big decisions.
Could I have had friendships with a better foundation had my insecurities not gotten in the way?
Could I have learned that I looked way better with my wild, wavy hair and embraced a part of who I was?
Would I have been a stronger partner in relationships if I was in them for the right reasons?
Would I even have applied to massage school if my brother didn't make me think it was cool?
Could I be a more relaxed parent had I not made it such a habit to over-involve myself in my kids lives?
Would I have been able to enjoy my first pregnancy, planned or not, if I could have let go of what others were saying behind my back?
I know for a fact that Eric and I would have had a very different wedding with very different guests had we been a bit more established and further along in our lives together before walking down the isle.
I know I would have loved to announce our pregnancy with Hannah and received hugs and excitement.
And maybe I would have run a marathon, but who knows.

These unknowns drive me bananas. There's so much I would go back and change. So many questions I would ask my younger self. I feel like I really had no idea who I was growing up because being like others or doing things based on what others think mattered more at the time.

And now, months away from turning 30, I want to know who I am, what choices I could and would make for myself with only me driving those decisions, what clothes I would wear or what hobbies I would take up, which books I would like or places I'd want to travel. I want to rediscover myself as myself.

So yeah, when you question your motives behind each and every decision that got you here today, the person you've identified yourself to be all this time, it gives you quite the shake. Quite the "crisis" feeling; like living with someone all this time and realizing you don't know a thing about who they really are.

And now there's nothing to do but become my own blank canvas. A clean slate. Start with the basics, like loving my husband and our marriage, my children and the relationship we have, and our 3 crazy dogs, and the rest will be an endless journey of discovery. I feel all "hey, Lauren, nice to meet ya!"

And maybe a new sports car would help a little.